I talk about the hairs I find and most of my co-workers are fairly older than me and do not care. I am in crisis. It's tinsel town on my head because my hair is dark enough that they stick out. And I know they're white because I don't really go outside much, so it certainly wouldn't be from the sun.

I'm gonna ask my mom when her hair started to turn.

The only silver lining (heh) is that it's just another sign to get out of my current line of work.

I've drawn in my usual paint program (Procreate) like twice this month. I mean I've drawn more than that, but it hasn't exactly led to any sort of finished piece. And the one drawing I lined this year I didn't go through in coloring. Not sure what my problem is. It's not disappointment in my work: I think I'm finally over that hurdle. It's more a matter of art block maybe. I just have no real desire to draw anything; or else, I don't know what to draw when I sit down.

I've considered options as to how to get my brain unstuck. I took up pixel art at the beginning of this year and have very much enjoyed it. I haven't made very much yet, but I find them quick and fun. It's a very additive and subtractive process. Feels more like sculpting than 2D work in a sense. I use Pixaki Pro to make my pixel art and I really like it. Switching to what I consider a different medium of art (still digital, but very different process from illustrative work) has informed my process in Procreate with more hi-res, illustrative pieces: I am trying to color block the composition and line directly on top of my guiding shapes--skipping the sketching phase entirely. If I can make my illustrative process a little similar to my pixel process, then maybe I'll be more eager to take it up.

The other problem is I haven't worked enthusiastically in a physical sketchbook since high school. I had sketchbooks in college, but I was always sketching for assignments and I sort of became disenchanted with keeping a sketchbook. I tried to take it back up after graduation, but I was entirely burnt out and too stiff to work in one comfortably. Anyways I think working in a sketchbook again would ease the ideation process--or, better yet, be a process since I have none for thinking up ideas. In high school I used to fall into ideation naturally, but then in college everything was more regimented. Ideation was an assignment, and I was made to come up with things a certain way. I'm going to have to relearn that part of myself.

I looked back into my high school sketchbooks and took mental notes on what I was drawing and what I took influence from at the time. Looking at my sketchbooks, I could only determine that I was unconcerned. I did whatever I wanted. I wrote in lyrics from pop songs that have fallen out of popularity. I made lists of supplies I had to pack in prep for a marching band competition (I was guard captain senior year; there were 4 girls on the team so it wasn't much of a title but whatever). It's a sentimental time capsule. I have a little cheap booklet with thin, slick paper that I plan to work in again. I hope that, with time and patience, I can get back into the habit of it. Maybe I'll start simply. Pick a song I really like at this point in time and write down some of my favorite lyrics. Or maybe copy down a poem I enjoy. Just anything to break it in before I use it for drawing.

It's more difficult that it seems. I need to relax about it, but it's like I've forgotten how. I feel like I'm in physical therapy for something that isn't physical--like my art muscle got absolutely wasted in some traumatic accident. I've also been trying to train my brain that it's OK to quit on a piece if I'm just not feeling it anymore. No need to force something to completion if I don't have even the smallest interest in returning to it.

The good news is, I know I'm improving in terms of my mental health. I've pushed myself to learn digital art. I've gotten comfortable with digital programs and using the stylus and screen. This year I really want to focus on making the process of making art more enjoyable.

I also want to try to get back on some select social medias (not instagram though lmao) because I make art to share art. I wish I could say I made art for only myself, but I'd be lying. I want to make things for people that will like and enjoy those things. I can't waylay that part of myself. I still plan to build out more of my website and host some of my art there, but I really don't want to cut myself out of social media completely. I want to be where the people are, too.

There's also a lot of personal stuff going on that's interfering with my creativity. Certain BIG stressors like applying for better jobs, moving to a different apartment, applying for grad school. It's a lot on my plate. I get so stressed about things; I never used to get this stressed. Not until college. Sometimes I wonder if there's something actually wrong with me, because I'm like 80-90% convinced college fucked with my brain chemistry and made me far more anxious than I used to be.

The short of it is, I'd love to make my art a place of comfort for myself. Someplace to retreat to and find rest in. I want rest more than anything.

It's been really cold here (for the southern US, anyway); there's a dip in the driveway of the apartment complex that often collects rainwater. I refer to it as 'the moat'. It iced over; this afternoon I watched some of the neighborhood kids remove some of the thin sheets of ice and break them on the street. It makes a sound like shattered glass--I used to go out and do the same with my brothers whenever it got cold enough.

It might snow tomorrow. I don't have work. I don't have work Wednesday, either. I expect that most places will be closed. I don't mind; I had no plans except to meet with the librarian at my old high school to ask her about an MLS and different career paths. We can reschedule.

I've done some coding today; I figured out how to use the text editor app on my mac to code and preview web pages in-browser so that I don't have to have all these near-pointless updates or work in the neocities browser anymore. Maybe this will make things smoother for me.

I think tomorrow I will try to work more on the site and on some of my writing. No art; I'm taking a breather from my art (again). I did end up deleting instagram (also again lol). Probably for good this time. I think this has been my 5th(?) time and I hate it every time; I'm gonna try to make myself stay off of it for good. That said, I still want to make art but I think it's wise to distance myself until I feel like making it again.

So yeah, no art for awhile.

I've reinstalled instagram on my phone. I had it initially set up so that I posted exclusively from the computer and nothing else, but making posts on the computer for insta sucks ass because not all the same filters/editing tools are available. I tried out a zonelets-based blog; I like it for creative journaling (much like what I do on here), but not so much for art. I like to see all my art in one place and displayed next to one another, and I can't really have that in the format that zonelets provides.

I think I have a good enough head on my shoulders at this point that the lack of engagement will not affect me nearly as much as it used to (though, I am still very cautious about using instagram again). Since coding my website(s) and working on DW, I've trained my brain to expect little to no engagement, and it's been really nice to (for the most part) no longer think about it and still do my thing. I feel a little bit like a kid again--just doing stuff to do stuff. I am still thinking of putting up my art somewhere outside of instagram too that is less engagement-focused and more archival in nature. Perhaps code yet another website? Or use an open-source layout/template? I haven't decided yet. I spent a lot of my energy building my film blog, and I love the aesthetic, but the functionality is limited lmao. It isn't useable on mobile either, which I don't mind.

I don't know. Instagram is just so blah. I hate social media but sometimes feel like it's a necessity now if I want people to ever see my art. I started reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear and while I'm enjoying it, she opens the first chapter on an anecdote about a relatively unknown poet (Jack Gilbert, no relation) that secluded himself, wrote his poems, published them and was briefly adored by the "literary world" until he secluded himself again and begin the cycle once more. Working on good work, putting it out into the world, having people admire it, and then disappearing to work on the next thing.

Elizabeth Gilbert described him (and, by extension, creators that isolate themselves to their work and return to literary civilization only to publish and nothing more) as "a rare orchid, with blooms separated by many years." It's a very romantic image, but I feel like today this outlook is unrealistic. I write a lot as well as making art. I keep my writing very private usually,but have invested years in soaking and learning everything I can about the publishing industry. I've watched and read a ton about publishing and am a huge advocate for self publishing. This is because most traditional publishers today expect their potential authors to have and maintain a social media page, foisting off promotion on the writer rather than themselves.

To bring it back to social media and its stupid necessity, I feel like you can't be a recluse and still expect to be known. Henry Thoreau fucked off to the woods and was still very popular. The same with Proust. But this was in the 1800s. There was little need for self-promotion on the part of the writer: publishers did that for them. But now to be read, you have to be known.

I don't want to discount artists and writers that have run the social media gauntlet and come out on top. Good for them, truly, cause it's rough out there--as both an outside and inside observer, it is an exhaustive and thankless practice. I don't want to participate, but then, everyone is on their phones now. That is how people know the world. If I want to be known/percieved/whatever, I feel like I have to be a part of all that. I don't know. I didn't like how the zonelets blog came out for the purpose of housing my art--it feels like it doesn't serve my art. I don't like instagram either. I hate instagram so, so much. Really any social media.

I don't make physical art, so I can't really put it in a gallery (not that I even want to lmao, I'm writing a whole anti-institutional art manifesto because I think a lot of the way art is perceived by critics and educators is stupid and overblown and have a novella's worth of yapping to do about it). Producing traditional/physical art is one of the ways non-artists present to combat social media woes and AI and whatnot, but if I don't like making traditional art then there is no point in me making myself do that.

But yeah, nothing new in this department. I don't know what to do, and my art is basically homeless. I think I'll just have to toughen up and chuck my art at the wall that is instagram/soc-med until something sticks. But even then, people lose interest so quick and I've never been one to bend to trends on the basis that they're trending and nothing more.

I've also heard plenty of times that you should be asking questions in your captions, but I think that's dumb because who even reads captions anymore in a short form world? And asking questions in an empty room is depressing.

I don't know. I have lots of feelings and nowhere to put them (except here, I guess lol).

It's been on my mind for a while where to post my digital work. I'd love to archive it on some platform, but social media is not it. The concept of putting my work up on social media does not excite me at all. I've posted before on instagram, tumblr, bluesky, twitter/x, pillowfort, etc. Some of these platforms are better than others in terms of not making me feel like shit. I know on both pillowfort and tumblr the tags actually matter in curating my work and helping others see my stuff.

more thoughts

I've considered reddit, pixiv, newgrounds, etc. I've also considered YouTube for the purpose of pmvs (picture music videos) and other more involved projects, but for the present moment I'm more concerned with still images. I've done deviantart too but since they were bought out by Wix way back it is largely shit. And also they did that thing that a lot of platforms did where users were opted in automatically to AI. Extremely disrespectful, especially considering some artists whose work is still up on these platforms have since passed away and have no say in the matter.

Of all these platforms I absolutely abhor instagram. I hate how everything is in grid format (or rectangle now since they've been prioritizing shortform video content for a long time). Unless you are posting something every day there is little to no growth to be had, and people will not see your shit. The numbers matter a lot there, and the presentation and aestheticism of not just your posts on their own but of your entire grid/page is extremely important (to the point of exhaustion). It is an exhausting platform to use, and I've found that to be true of most social media platforms.

Of all that I've used, I prefer tumblr (though only slightly). I've been on tumblr for a long time (pre NSFW ban, lol) and have gotten used to the tagging system and still like to scroll through certain tags myself. I like how posts under tag search can be sorted between popular v. recent. I like how work circulates there and doesn't seem to fall into oblivion right after it's posted. That said, tumblr certainly isn't what it was. There was, again, the insane automatic 'opt-in' at the onset of generative AI that I and other users had to manually toggle off. I hate that this has happened with multiple platforms (and I hate even more that some have made it altogether impossible to opt out). But then tumblr also initiated their communities feature, which seemed like an effort to facilitate an actual community (until it wasn't). Apparently if someone reblogs a post of yours to a given community, the creator of said post has no knowledge of this reblog and therefore cannot notice that others are out there appreciating their work. It's like people that make private discord servers for certain fandoms and gush about a fanfic on ao3 but then don't bother to leave a comment on the author's actual fic to let them know that their work is noticed and appreciated! Make it make sense! Is it an entitlement thing? Is all this expected and thought of as guaranteed?

A friend and I have been talking about this sort of thing recently (you know who you are, hello!) and I told her that, with the way things are, I'm not even sure if I want to be posting digital art. It's a real shame because I like my art, but there isn't anywhere that's friendly for it anymore. I've considered using tumblr again, but they've been keeping the lights on for several years so really can't tell how much longer they'll be around. And also of late they've been treating their user base like shit.

My friend brought up that the 'argument' that some people present to her when she expresses her grievances with how creators are treated on the internet is something along the lines of: don't let it bother you that much; you should be creating for yourself anyway. I'm sure she is writing for herself first and for her pleasure. So am I. If I weren't, then I'd quit making altogether. That said, I don't think it's stupid to want to be seen. Not popular per se, just seen.

I had said to her that we ought to take being selfish in making to its most extreme and not share anything online. Not publicly, anyway. It's nice in theory to think about what might change if there wasn't any new art or fanfiction to "consume". If there was a sudden standstill. If all of this was done internally rather than in the public online eye. That's about the point I'm at with my art. I am so tired of all of this.

Lately I've been thinking of what I might do with my art if I don't post it. I still like to draw. I went to school for it and, despite not really liking my art major, still came away a better artist than I entered. I've found some comfort in purchasing cheap frames from different stores in the area and building a personal, physical gallery for my digital art. I take measurements of the frame and then make a digital canvas to fit that ratio. Print out the result on quality matte paper (or something with little gloss) and then I can display some of them properly in my apartment. I thought of it while I was working on an art piece for someone in my family, and thought I can do this for myself, too. And I can do this for others at any time; maybe it can be enough for me to make my work for people that matter to me and to be completely "selfish" with it.

Still, the thing is that I want to post my work. I want to share it more widely, but it's just not a great online environment for it at the moment.