thinking of art (again)

I've drawn in my usual paint program (Procreate) like twice this month. I mean I've drawn more than that, but it hasn't exactly led to any sort of finished piece. And the one drawing I lined this year I didn't go through in coloring. Not sure what my problem is. It's not disappointment in my work: I think I'm finally over that hurdle. It's more a matter of art block maybe. I just have no real desire to draw anything; or else, I don't know what to draw when I sit down.

I've considered options as to how to get my brain unstuck. I took up pixel art at the beginning of this year and have very much enjoyed it. I haven't made very much yet, but I find them quick and fun. It's a very additive and subtractive process. Feels more like sculpting than 2D work in a sense. I use Pixaki Pro to make my pixel art and I really like it. Switching to what I consider a different medium of art (still digital, but very different process from illustrative work) has informed my process in Procreate with more hi-res, illustrative pieces: I am trying to color block the composition and line directly on top of my guiding shapes--skipping the sketching phase entirely. If I can make my illustrative process a little similar to my pixel process, then maybe I'll be more eager to take it up.

The other problem is I haven't worked enthusiastically in a physical sketchbook since high school. I had sketchbooks in college, but I was always sketching for assignments and I sort of became disenchanted with keeping a sketchbook. I tried to take it back up after graduation, but I was entirely burnt out and too stiff to work in one comfortably. Anyways I think working in a sketchbook again would ease the ideation process--or, better yet, be a process since I have none for thinking up ideas. In high school I used to fall into ideation naturally, but then in college everything was more regimented. Ideation was an assignment, and I was made to come up with things a certain way. I'm going to have to relearn that part of myself.

I looked back into my high school sketchbooks and took mental notes on what I was drawing and what I took influence from at the time. Looking at my sketchbooks, I could only determine that I was unconcerned. I did whatever I wanted. I wrote in lyrics from pop songs that have fallen out of popularity. I made lists of supplies I had to pack in prep for a marching band competition (I was guard captain senior year; there were 4 girls on the team so it wasn't much of a title but whatever). It's a sentimental time capsule. I have a little cheap booklet with thin, slick paper that I plan to work in again. I hope that, with time and patience, I can get back into the habit of it. Maybe I'll start simply. Pick a song I really like at this point in time and write down some of my favorite lyrics. Or maybe copy down a poem I enjoy. Just anything to break it in before I use it for drawing.

It's more difficult that it seems. I need to relax about it, but it's like I've forgotten how. I feel like I'm in physical therapy for something that isn't physical--like my art muscle got absolutely wasted in some traumatic accident. I've also been trying to train my brain that it's OK to quit on a piece if I'm just not feeling it anymore. No need to force something to completion if I don't have even the smallest interest in returning to it.

The good news is, I know I'm improving in terms of my mental health. I've pushed myself to learn digital art. I've gotten comfortable with digital programs and using the stylus and screen. This year I really want to focus on making the process of making art more enjoyable.

I also want to try to get back on some select social medias (not instagram though lmao) because I make art to share art. I wish I could say I made art for only myself, but I'd be lying. I want to make things for people that will like and enjoy those things. I can't waylay that part of myself. I still plan to build out more of my website and host some of my art there, but I really don't want to cut myself out of social media completely. I want to be where the people are, too.

There's also a lot of personal stuff going on that's interfering with my creativity. Certain BIG stressors like applying for better jobs, moving to a different apartment, applying for grad school. It's a lot on my plate. I get so stressed about things; I never used to get this stressed. Not until college. Sometimes I wonder if there's something actually wrong with me, because I'm like 80-90% convinced college fucked with my brain chemistry and made me far more anxious than I used to be.

The short of it is, I'd love to make my art a place of comfort for myself. Someplace to retreat to and find rest in. I want rest more than anything.